Dream guardian

Soooo this is not just any pic k?This is my final realizing one important thing.Coz dreams are very important to me.
So if u don't wanna read it, don't.Srsly look at it its LONG FUCK AGH. :U (i don't have anything better to do so don't think its super important for normal people)

So i guess few years ago i created the character Kettu wich was supposed to be the Devil (,,evil'') form of me and my fursona.Coz u know every single person has a devil inside, but only some of us admin it or even let it out.So the time went by pretty good until i had those depression times wich ended in this year thanksh to my friend Margo,you guys,Ayame,Rachel and pills.Ofcourse i was thinking of death very often in that time and she (Kettu) was growing bigger and bigger.I guess i felt really dark inside pfff (that probably sounds very childish oh well).And ye i was trying to cut myself but there was a huge problem, my biggest fear is pain so no success.And no i didn't write any journals about it ever or usually didn't even tell my friends but theres a good reason, there has been SO many people having depressions,home problems,sadness i didn't want to make them feel even worse.Then my depression finally grew enough big, to make me NEED it , i mean being sad and pity myself,go insane and smile while crying and all that shit.I thought that all Kettu wanted was me dead.
And some time later i had the worst nightmare ever (for now) it still scares me a bit.I was in a white place of nothing.There was a painting in front of me.It was a portrait of me where i pose like a Monalisa (since my mom calls me monalisa sometimes coz of my look).There was something very disturbing about my..HER face.I knew it wasn't me.But when i came closer she started to smile even more, the way i can't even smile.I got scared and then she suddenly attacked me with her hands.She was smiling all the time like she knew my every step (she was trying to strangle me) i bit her finger but she only smiled more evilly.It felt like her finger doesn't have any bones.And that was it.I woke up all sweaty.I became very paranoid of course and heard noises in my quite empty room.And went to moms bed to sleep pfff.After that nightmare i was 100% sure she's the suicide part of me that wants to kill me.
Alot of time later i got trough the depression and healed but i was still very empty.I lost something very important and i couldn't fill it with anything i found.I used every chance to fill at least half of it but it wasn't enough..never.It was like looking for a new home after your own was burned down with all your stuff.Maybe that would explain why i have so many hobbies.
Again after all the months of looking for IT i started to have ..a new kind of dreams.Its very famous that people dream about things they wish for but i never had any of those until that time.I started to have a lot of them.It felt very nice and dreamy..as it should be (i have ALWAYS dreams since some years ago).And then i realized it was her.The thing inside me was making my dreams come true in my sleep (since she lives inside me).It helps a bit actually.Now i see her very differently..she just didn't want me to suffer.
After all it all could be just my way of seeing it of course and my depression could have been caused by no sleep buuuuut...im too stubborn to admin it.So yeah.Hope u understand me a bit more now.Maybe u think I'm an attention whore or a kid.I don't care as long as u read it all to have a good opinion.Kay bai.Thanksh for reading.

JESUS RAPTOR THIS IS LONG WTF IM GOING TO SLEEP BYE.....sweet dreams.<3
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